The miracle of 24 January 1972

It was around 9 AM and Ann and I were playing cards. All of a sudden, the strangest feeling came over me. A small grin spread across my face along with a look of fear..........it's starting I thought. The point of *no return*. The contractions were sporadic at first, then in the late-afternoon they took on a life of their own. "Let's wait a little while longer", Bea said. She was right there with me, along with Ann, whose own time had come and gone, but was back at the *home* for the 2 week *recovery* period.

Early evening was upon me, and I thought, how much longer can this go on? Bea was getting ready to go home. bea, will you go with me to the hospital? ............no? .........why? "Because the nurse's aid has to go with you", but i'm her first! ..........she doesn't know me.........please? ......... i need you............ I'll keep in touch by phone, everything will be fine.

Not long after that, we took the ride to the hospital. Things began to change around 8:15PM and I knew something was wrong. The nurse's aid attending me didn't have a clue and was as scared as I was. Bea walked into my room, oh... oh... you're here, oh, bea something's not right...... assessed the situation and took charge. [Thank God Bea defied *the rules* about not coming to the hospital to be with me]. The hospital staff had basically ignored me because I had my *own* nurse's aid with me from the *home*. They literally forgot about me. When Bea returned with the Dr., he was shocked at the progress I'd made, and I was immediately whisked away to the delivery room.

Before I delivered my son, I vowed to myself that I wouldn't "touch" him. I always had it in my mind that I would LOOK at him, just not touch him. I had been "advised" that if I TOUCHED him, it would make the giving-up just that much harder to do. but why, it's part of me......why shouldn't i touch my baby? or hold it? or feed it? or spend time with it? Because it's that much more difficult to give up. ok, i won't put myself through any more than i have to........why add one more thing?.............i WILL look at my baby after it's born, tho', i have to see who i'm giving away..........it will only be for a moment, but then i'll know

In the delivery room, when they brought my son over for me to see him, I instinctively reached out and stroked the soft skin of his belly with the back of my fingers, felt the most wonderful rush of motherly love and told the nurses that, "Yes, I will be having him in my room for visits and feedings". It was one of the most important decisions I ever made. I listened to that inner voice say, This is something you HAVE to do no matter how hard it will be later on. I had to give myself those 5 days to talk to him and explain to him how much I loved him, with all of my heart, that we would have a few days together and then be re-meeting at a later time. I told him how he was going to get two parents that were going to love him so much, that they were going to provide a good home, and teach him things that he needed to know to become a good person. I fed him and changed his diapers. I took his clothing off and checked every inch of his beautiful warm, little body, to be sure that everything was OK. Not only was he OK, he was perfect. I had brought into the world the most beautiful, wonderful little boy and I had to give him away. In those 5 days of whispering to my son, I was convincing myself, along with telling him, that it was the right thing to do. I had to talk myself into giving up the most important person in my life. how can i do this? oh, i ache, already, just thinking about it, how can i part with this baby that i had helped to create thru the grace of God? how can God not like my son, just because i'm not married? how can my parents not want this beautiful, healthy grandchild, just because i'm not married? there is no sense to any of this. how can i do this and not fall apart at the seams? how? Because I love him, because there is somebody out there just waiting to give this precious bundle more love than he'll ever be able to handle. Because I have to. Because, deep in my heart, I truly KNOW it's the right thing to do, even tho' it will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do in my whole entire life. The decision was made, now I had to carry thru with it. How do I walk out of the hospital, knowing I might not ever see him again? Faith.......... I have to have faith that God would not allow that to happen. I have to have faith in my caseworker's ability and expertise in picking out the parents "I" would choose for my child. oh, God, please let them be good and kind, whisper in their ear to raise him the right way, knowing he's adopted and that i loved him........so much. whisper to them that he is so special, that he is loved by so many. tell them not to forget me in all of this. that i am, and always will be, a part of my son's life, no matter where i am. please answer my prayers, God, let everything work out all right.

I walked out of the hospital, tears streaming down my face, deep, uncontrolable sobs coming from a place I didn't even know existed. I have to go on, now, I have to put what has happened, in the last few days, on a back shelf. I won't ever forget, how can I? I'll just tuck those thoughts away, and pull them out once in awhile when I need to think of something wonderful. That's what my memories of my son provided for me. A complete peace of mind, knowing he was growing up in a home filled with love and patience, goodness and care................

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